I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
