I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
