I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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