Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You took a bar mat shot.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
