I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
