I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
