My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
