my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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