worst night to have a conscience
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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