...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
