If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
