i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
