My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
