I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
