omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
