please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
