i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
