Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
