Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
