So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
