Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
