I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
