I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
