he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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