Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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