I wish I could punch you in the face.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
