I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
