I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is classic penis vs brain.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
