I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
