I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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