What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I can't turn off my feet"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
