i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
