Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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