hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
