right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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