im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
