Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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