I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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