There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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