i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
