dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
