Michael Bay diarrhea
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
