Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
