Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
