did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
