The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
how does that bad decision feel?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
