eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
