sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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