At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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