Moan for me like Helen Keller
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
