is your mom at the bar?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
